Disappointed

I finally watched “Frozen” in the movie theater a few days ago. Since I love the main  song “Let it go,” I really looked forward to seeing it. It was a nice movie. I had a good time.

However, somehow I felt sad.

I wondered why this movie became so popular especially among young women. It would be because they empathize Anna and Elsa.

I wondered if the popularity of the movie would indicate that there are many women who feel lonely, confined, struggling, trying to persuade themselves, and unhappy.

People praise that  the movie is new because the heroines create the path forward by themselves without men’s help. If it’s common or easy, no one would praise that. It seems very tough for women even in the 21st century.

When can women be released from being a woman? Two generations later?

 

 

She Is An Old Woman Now

I am a person who hold a grudge for a long time. I still remember the strawberry episode when I was 6. One day in May, I found first strawberries of the year on the table and asked my mother if I may eat one of them. Since she said no, I left the kitchen and played in another room. After a while I found my sister was happily eating the strawberries and realized she had our mother’s permission. I complained about it  to my mother. “Why can she eat the strawberries while I cannot?”  She told me  it was because I was obedient and my sister was unreasonable. Can it be an excuse for my complaint? I didn’t think so. Not seriously, but I hold the grudge for a long time somehow.

Actually, I didn’t like my mother. The Strawberry episode was not the serious one but there are many other episodes that I got hurt by her thoughtless words many times. I got embarrassed by her inconsiderate behaviors many times.

When I was 30, I got really angry at her ( I forgot why) and told her how she had hurt me with tears for the first time in my life. She rolled her eyes and told me that she didn’t intend to hurt me at all and she didn’t understand my complaint at all. She complained to me that my complaint was unfounded accusation.

At that moment, I got over her. I decided I wouldn’t expect anything from her. Just stay out of my life. That’s all I wanted her to do. I kept being a good daughter on the surface but I quit being her daughter in my mind. I thought that feeling of mine would continue forever. But actually it didn’t.

One day, after several years, while staying at my parents’ house and gazing absently out a window, I saw my mother standing in the garden and smiling at me. Suddenly I realized that she was an old woman. She looked small and weak. Such a woman should be protected by someone. If she should be protected by someone, the “someone” should be me. I am the one who should care for her and make her happy. Should I? Can I? I asked myself. Yes, I can. I will. Strangely, my grudge had disappeared completely.

Now I visit my mother once a month and chat with her. Still, her words sometimes irritates me but her appearance of aging makes me sentimental. I can’t grudge her anymore.

An Unforgettable Lie

I was around 11. There was a pattern of our family’s Christmas party those days.

The party always started after dinner. First, an opening speech which my sister always made. After that, we sang a couple of Christmas songs with my piano all together, exchange Christmas gifts each other, and eat Christmas cake and chat. Then, we played some games until 10 or 11 o’clock which was late-night for children. Just staying up late was thrilling for my sister and me. It was a special night.

What I’d like to tell you today happened in one of our Christmas party.

I had bought Christmas gifts for each member of my family in advance. The Exchanging time was my favorite. I was glad to see their faces when they opened my gifts. Since I was a small child, usually I gave them hand-made small dolls or paper flowers, something like that. However, at the year,  I had saved my money for several months and bought “products” at stores. I thought “products” would be nicer than my clumsy handmade goods. Since I didn’t have much money, what I could buy were just a box of cigarette for my father, a small plastic comb for my mother, a small potpourri for my grandma.

Then I found a set of pretty nice playing cards at a store. It was smaller than usual playing cards maybe because it’s for children, and it was made of paper which was cheaper than plastic. And it had pretty cartoon characters on the back. I was fascinated. My sister must be glad if I give her. It was cheap enough for adults, but for me, it was considerable. I convinced myself that she could use it for the playing time after eating cake. That would be the perfect gift, wouldn’t it? I bought it with the most of my money.

Then, back to the party, the exchanging time came. When I was about to give my gift for my sister…my mother showed us a set of pretty playing card. That was the same one! It was a Christmas gift for my sister from my mother.

My mother was cheerfully surprised at the coincidence and asked me where I bought. She was also surprised that I spent a lot for my sister. She knew how much it cost.

Suddenly, somehow I felt guilty. I thought I was very silly to spend my money to buy the same one as my mother bought. I shouldn’t have spent my money such things. It was a waste.

Then, what came from  my mouth was a lie. I told her that I bought it at the same store but the price was much cheaper.

My mother was surprised again and took my cards in her hand and check them thoroughly. I was cringed. I knew there was no different in those two sets.

My mother concluded that mine was made earlier than hers so the raw materials were cheaper. She praised me for a good buy. She also regretted that she didn’t buy it earlier and complained how quickly the prices were getting increasing. I knew she was wrong but couldn’t say anything.

I don’t know why I lied at that time. Why couldn’t I just say “Oh, mom, you bought it too? Me too!” innocently?

Eventually, my sister got cards I gave and I got my mother’s. All my family thought  it was ridiculous that my sister would have two same playing cards. So my mother gave her cards to me and gave color pencils which she bought for me to my sister.

Definitely Voice!

I have a weakness for male elegant voice. When I meet a man, I judge him by his voice.

I love Freddie Mercury’s voice.  I would faint if someone who has his voice told me that he was born to love me.

I love George Michael’s voice too. If someone who has his voice sang “So if you love me, say you love me, but if you don’t just let me go” in front of me, I would scream “I love you! I love you! Don’t go anywhere!” and fling my arms around him.

My husband? Yes, he has a good voice. I love his voice the best! I’m a very lucky woman.

If I Had a Hammer

I yearned a life like Laura Ingalls when I was a child. Her family made everything they need by themselves. They made a house, an oven, butter, candles, nails… literally everything.

When I read The Valley of Horses of  the Earth’s Children series, I was really into how Ayla was living. She was alone and had to make everything by herself. I imagined if I were her.

I’ve never thought I want  to be a carpenter, a plumber, or any other jobs related to housing. If I have such skills, I want to use my skills not for money but for my own life. For myself, I’d like to learn whatever I can learn. It’ll help me when I have to survive.

Perhaps, I’d like to be a survivor who can live alone and make everything by herself.

Oh, Is He?

I love pop music. When I was young, I idolized several pop singers.

Madonna was one of them. Luckily, I went to her concert once with some friends. She was stunningly beautiful.

I watched the music video of Change of Heart by Cyndi Lauper more than 100 times. I practiced singing the song with dancing like her. I learnt the pronunciation of “turn it around” from the video. I have an accent but my “turn it around” would be perfect.

I had Whitney Houston’s first two albums those days. She was a shining star. I practiced and practiced singing Greatest Love of All and I can sing it without lyric sheet still now. Saving All My Love For You was difficult for me because it needed very high voice. Nevertheless, I enjoyed singing the song, with feeble and unstable tone.

Michael Jackson, who fell into disfavor later, was definitely one of the most popular pop singers at that era. He was the coolest.

I also liked watching parodies of Michael Jackson’s songs by “Weird Al” Yankovic. His Eat it (parody of Beat it)and Fat (parody of Bad) were awesome. I remember his Like a Surgeon (parody of Like a Virgin, of course) was brilliant too.

Okay, so…I should admit he was one of my idols. Oh, really?

The Top Five Places I Want To Go

1. Lake District in England

I’m a big fan of The Swallows and Amazons series by Arthur Ransome. I’d like to stay there for at least a few weeks if possible.

2. Prince Edward Island in Canada

I’m a big fan of Anne of Green Gables series by Lucy Maud Montgomery. I’d like to visit the places which are described in the books.

3.  The Sahara Desert

I’m a big fan of Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. I’d like to see the place where the Little Prince used to be. I’m not sure which country I should visit.

4. Småland in Sweden

I’m a big fan of  Six Bullerby Children by Astrid Lindgren. I’d also like to see the midnight sun.

5.  Fiji

That’s the place where my husband and I went on our honeymoon. I’d like to go there again with him.